


To: Newt

by lsaacLahey



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 14:46:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3854623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lsaacLahey/pseuds/lsaacLahey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>12 months since Ive last seen your smile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fear

**Author's Note:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

_**month 1** _

_Newt, to be honest with you, I wasn't sure how to start this letter or entry, or whatever this is suppose to be. I'm still in doubt that you'll ever read this, it feels pointless to me only reminds me of the fact you aren't here, that my hands are red, and your eyes lack the stars behind them._

_Everyone's afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of their so called "known", afraid of the past, afraid of the future. There's a lot to be afraid of. Me? My mind is full, over come by huge clouds of fog, it's hard to stay real, to live, to breathe. I've began to think things would be much easier to be consumed by the heavy mist seeping through the cracks of memories and pieces that no longer fit. But something pulls me back; fear._

_Fear that Minho will have no one. Fear that he'll find out. Fear that I'll lose the last string attached to sanity I have left. I can't tell him, ever. The thought of him finding out is almost as terrifying as the thought of not telling him at all._

_The worst is the fear of the flare, what it did to you, that it took you away, and I'm certain I could never live through that again._

_But I hold on, I often think of the times where you've laced your fingers through mine, when my skin melted onto your bone and our hearts beated as one and you'd whisper in my ear, "don't ever give up," or "it wasn't your fault," they way your accent made my name feel like it was wrapped up in a warm blanket by a fire place, "tommy," like I was the thing you cherished most in our fucked up world. It's so selfish of me to think, but I often hope I was._

_Or that I still am._


	2. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thomniwt.tumblr.com

_** Month 2  ** _

_Newt, things have settled down slightly, trust has been built. People still cry, they still scream, we're all only human after all._

_I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about what happened between us. And I've thought, I've thought about the sound of a gun going off, the squeeze of a trigger, the feel of warm blood splattering across my hands and face, the smell of death, the haunting ache inside my chest._

_I feel nothing but regret in the hollows of my ribs and the pours of my skin, I should of saved you, I shouldn't of listen to you. It's breath taking how much I miss your voice, the feel of your skin and the stars behind your eyes, it's all my fault, oh god. I'm so sorry Newt._

_If I could go back in time I wouldn't of done it, I wouldn't of let you into the scorch, hell I wouldn't of helped to leave the maze, it's selfish of me, but what do I got to lose? I've got my best friends murder on my hands._

_I've never thought it was possible, but I think my soul is going to be consumed with regret._


	3. Self hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

_ **Month 3** _

_Newt, I've decided, I've decided that you hate me. I'm not offended, I hate myself too, but it hurts, it hurts almost as much as the look in your eyes when you begged me to take away your pain, take away the demons in your head that have now found a new refuge in my own, the cracks of missing pieces now replaced by roots of self hatred._

_I often think of when you confessed about your limp, how it was my fault. I told myself you didn't mean it, I convinced myself you didn't mean it, god how selfish could I be? My apologies are nothing to you but dead leaves and broken promises aren't they? Promises that you're listening, when you're gone, what's it like? To not exist? To watch the boy you loved take the light from behind your smile?_

_Do you hate me? Please, Newt, Please hate me._

_I woke up last night, from a dream about us, screaming my throat raw, hoping that the screams will reach you, that my throat will crack open like fragile glass and maybe just maybe the pain will stop._

_I need you to hate me too._

 

 


	4. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

_** Month 4  ** _

_Newt, today the sun is out, I hear children laughing, for once the paradise isn't tainted with nightmares. It feels different to me, the heat is sticky and irritable, the laughter piercing._

_Anger seems to have become my default lately, the kind of anger that just bubbles in your stomach until your sure you're going to be sick if you don't let it out. I take it out on things around me, at the wind for reminding me of your fingers through my hair, at the moon for reminding me of the way your body felt like home against mine. Will I ever find home again? It's suffocating._

_Minho set me off today, we got into an argument, my fists were clenched and my voice was loud as I demanded to know why he had my notebook. He swore he hadn't look through it, sworn he hadn't dared as much as flip the tip of a page. I find it really hard to trust, but then he brought up you, with his hand gripping my shoulder like he wanted to rip through the flesh and feel my bones. He talked about the way you always sorted things out and made things alright._

_Suddenly something in me snapped, I realized I hated the anger you've brought upon me, the burden you've asked me to carry, the way you're voice sounded when you begged._

_**Please, tommy, please.** _

_And yes, I guess apart of me is upset at you, when you were here and we'd forgive each other with pecks full of frustration and your breath felt like a million apologies at once against my dirtied skin, but the thing is you're not here, and I won't get an apology from you. So I'll apologize to myself for you. I'll pick up the pieces of me that have been scattered about, I'll hold myself together at night when it'd be so easy to sob until I stop breathing, I'll keep my hopes up, not only for you, but for Chuck, for Teresa._

 

 


	5. emptiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

_** Month 5  ** _

_Newt, I'm sitting beside Minho as I write, I've been spending a lot of time with him recently. It's nothing like how we used to be, just silence, the occasional brush of skin on skin and a reminder that we're not alone. I've tried getting over this by myself, tried keeping it all locked up, but I've decided it's easier with him around, easier when someones there to catch your tears._

_All I've been feeling lately is like a broken record, "I'm fine." At least I'm trying to be, "I miss him sometimes." every minute, with every fibre of my being._

_I'm lonely, for sun kissed hair, warm skin, soft lips._

_I still cry, except it's silent, scarce, no more wet body rocking sobs._

_I still have nightmares, flashbacks, memories, things I want to erase, things I can't let go, whatever you'd like to call them, I'm not sure if the terrors of sleep or the idea of forgetting you haunts me the most._

_I just feel empty, I don't feel now a days, the only time I do is when Minho's hand brushes over mine or in my dreams when our lips touch and It feels so real, I hear it, I swear I hear it, feel the puffs of air against my chest, "I love you, I really bloody love you, I love you so buggin' much, Tommy, don't you ever forget."_

_And it echoes through out my hollow bones and abyss of a heart;_

_**“Tommy, Don't you ever forget.”** _

 


	6. confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

**_Month 6_ **

_I heard birds this morning when I woke up, the sounds lightly lulling me out of another nightmare into something totally foreign, the world was still, serene, almost okay. It reminded me of your smile, the days when I woke up with our fingers intertwine and your chest rising and falling, your face gentle, worry free. The times when you, Minho and I would joke around and everything around us didn't matter._

_For once I don't feel guilty, or angry, or empty, I feel okay._

_And it's confusing, we've been through hell for so long, it's been the normal, that this shocks me, it's like I don't believe this is real, I still think the flares are going to come down and scorch our newly found paradise, that this could be another test of wicked's, or the most confusing of them all, that it's all a dream._

_If I woke up beside you, and we were still in the maze, still trapped in a prison that we new so little about, still on the edge of hopelessness, would I accept it?_

_The question has been tearing me apart for the last few hours, and I've decided on an answer, I'd do it all over again, if I got to hold your hand, hear your laugh, see your smile, feel your lips, one last time._

_I'd do anything for you. And I still would._


	7. Fear pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

**_Month 7_ **

_Newt, I'm scared, I'm so shucking scared._

_This past month has gone smoothly, it's been sunny, no rain, Minho and I went swimming the other day, it felt nice to not have my heart so heavy. We joked around like old times, made fun of each other, it felt like I had the stars in my mouth when I laughed genuinely which felt like the first time in months, for a second I thought through all the kisses we shared, you must of spilled some of the universe into me, then I started to think about it, which is all I ever do these days, I question my own happiness._

_Surely I had my own stars and moon, or maybe I was a meadow, or the ocean; I began wondering what I meant to you. I hoped I held the sun behind my eyes and flowers in my teeth, I hope your heart raced whenever I said your name, that my touch seeded roots beneath your galactic skin. And I breathed, I breathed in the open air, the smell of grass and firewood._

_The memory of you, your stellar skin and astral smile can't be ever forgotten, and in those moments with Minho you hadn't crossed my mind, and I can't have that, I can't ever forget you, you're my entire universe, how dare I allow myself to forget about you._

_I love you so much it hurts my head, and the thought of you not even being a memory is the worst fear of ever felt. And I know it's obsessive, I know I can't live inside my own mind, but I sure as hell ain't going to forget you._

_I'm going to write down every single good memory I've had with you, not just the romance, but our friendship, not just the physical contact, but the whispers we've shared, the things you've said that surely moved everyone at some point. You were something special Newt, and I won't let you die for good._

_I'm scared, I live in fear ever since the day you left me, and now that I've gotten a taste of what it's like to forget you I'm terrified_

 

 


	8. cope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

_** Month 8  ** _

_Newt, I'm so glad you were in my life. But lately I've been talking to people, about our time through the trials, our story, about you. And it's like a lot has been lifted off my shoulders._

_I still haven't talked about your last moments, every time I do it's like someone has their hands around my throat and like my heart is going to explode. It's alright, one of the ladies told me today, that it's okay if I can't form the words, or whatever the reason your end feels like it's sewn into the skin of my chest._

_She says this journal is a smart idea, that it's probably helping me cope._

_Cope. To deal with something difficult._

_You're death is the hardest thing that's bound to ever happen in my life, and I'm going to give myself one, I'm strong, I'm still alive, my lungs are working, my heart is pounding, my soul is content. I know if you were here you'd smile, pat me on the back._

_I'm dealing with your loss a lot healthier, Minho says, but the thing is you're not gone, you're still with me, your eyes, your nose, your lips, your collarbones, right down to the tip of your toes. I've had you since the moment you first kissed me, and I always will._

_And I'll have days when the thought of you hits me like tidal wave and I feel like I can't breathe, but all I need to do is hold my breath, and let it happen._


	9. remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomniwt.tumblr.com

**_Month 9_ **

_Newt, I wonder if you remember, the day I found you, damp cheeks and teary eyes. I held you, loved the way your nose buried into my hair, the feel of warm skin beneath my finger tips. We were both alive, and it was enough._

_Do you remember, the way your lips moulded into mine, the way you left bruises on both my neck and heart, the taste of your tongue tracing the roof of my mouth, the feeling of warm roaming hands, the embarrassment I felt when I let you take me, the way you smiled and reassured me, the echoing moans._

_Do you remember, sleeping curled up against my side, hand resting over my side, little snores being the equivalent of a lullaby, I held you close, and the world was okay again._

_Do you remember, the promises and secrets we shared between butterfly kisses, the way your fingers fit in mine, the way your giggle could stop the world._

_Do you remember, our fights, meaningful, oh I couldn't ever lose you, protective, sometimes even pointless, forgiveness the same day, holding each other like it was the only thing keeping our feet on the ground._

_Do you remember, how our eyes met, the small smirk that looked perfect on your lips, the way I'd smile tooth and all when you'd wink at me, your voice, so smooth, felt like home._

_And lastly, do you remember, staring up at me, shouting, eyes gone mad, you hated me, oh you hated every fibre of my being, and suddenly, I saw, the warm whiskey eyes, **please, Tommy, please.**_

 

 


	10. love

**_Month 10_ **

_Newt, loving you was the highlight of my life._

_I would of never predicted falling in love in a place like the maze, wouldn't of ever thought that someone would do as little as smile at me and I'd be changed forever._

_Your love was gentle, it was tough, it was sweet, it was real._

_I found it in your eyes and lips._

_I found it in your actions and words._

_I found it in the big and little things._

_Today I found it in the cool night air, the glow of the fire and the sound of my own laugh._

_I loved you._

_I love you._


	11. finding

**_Month 11_ **

_Newt, I've found out a lot about myself recently._

_The maze stripped us of our identity, we were exposed to so much heart break and fear we didn't even know who we really were. You've helped me with that quite a bit._

_I've decided I really enjoy writing. I want to write a story about you, and the way you kept us all together till the end, you're my inspiration, our glue._

_I'm not only finding myself, but Minho is too, he likes hanging around the kids, has a knack for making them laugh, I'd say he'd be a pretty good teacher. Who would've thought of that? Our Minho? Not tearing off the kids heads? I know it's almost unbelievable._

_Paradise really is beginning to look like a paradise lately, the fear of the flare is gone, people are laughing and smiling, including myself._

_Also I've found out that it isn't my fault, things were beyond my control the moment I was put into the maze with my memory swiped, I may not ever know the person I was before, might not ever remember fully, but it doesn't matter to me._

_What matters is who we are now, who you were, who Minho is._

_I guess you could say I'm content, at rest, the tiddle waves aren't as big._


	12. I'll love you, even if I forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I wrote all this at 3am

**_Month 12_ **

_Newt, it's been 12 months since I've seen your smile, heard your voice, seen the stars behind your eyes._

_It's been a journey with you not here. And I'm crying as I write, ink blurring on the pages like busted veins, your memory lives on through these dirt smudged, tear stained pages._

_I've described my love multiple times to you, and I've began to believe you are really listening, that you're smiling, and possibly crying too._

_And I'll never feel like I've said it enough, but I love you, I love you so fucking much, please don't ever forget. You had me from the start and you'll always have me._

_I don't get overwhelmingly sad when I hear your name, I don't blame myself, I can talk about you with Minho, and we just smile and laugh at the memories were so grateful you gave us._

_Rebuilding ourselves was a difficult task, and I'm so glad you were apart of it, you're apart of me, etched into my bones, mixed into my blood, you're a scar I'm not ashamed of._

_Newt, I'm so glad to have existed at the same time as you, and there will come a day when you won't cross my mind at all, maybe even a week, possibly a month, but I will always love you with every cell, every thought, every breath, and I know you will forgive me if I don't remember, you'll always be there with your whisky eyes and stellar smile, looking over me, loving me._

_I know you'll always love me, even if I forget. So I'm not afraid anymore._

_The tidal waves have ceased, and it's only clear blue water from here on out._


End file.
